Starting tomorrow, I will be sketching daily in Puerto Vallarta but
will not post any Daily Doodles until I return on June 2nd.
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After countless hours upon days upon months of studying, I’ve just reattempted the most strenuous exam I have ever written.
God knows the results my slavery will yield.
Although it’s nauseating to think about, I also don’t know whether or not I’ll have to repeat these gruelling past months and re-write, yet again.
The scariest, most confronting thing I’ve realized is that sometimes, your very best simply is not enough.
I’ve always (probably foolishly) lived with the mindset that persistence will always pay off. Set a goal, plough through and you can make it happen. Regardless of what the goal is, there will always be a way to succeed.
Every major goal I’ve previously fixated upon has been achieved this way for me.
Here’s the thing…living this way doesn’t account for immovable obstacles. It’s like the equivalent of wanting to leave a room with only one exit, but someone dead-locking you inside. No matter how strong your own will is to physically leave, it’s literally impossible.
It’s frightening. Especially for someone like me who has always lived thinking that everything is achievable through hard labour, it can also be pivotally depressing.
You know what though?
Although this experience had me wallowing in feelings of inadequacy, there is so much unexpected value I’ve gained (and am still gaining) from it. Basically, it’s put a radical spin on my perspective on gratitude.
I’ve always said I’m thankful for things in life, but I’ve never meant it more than I do now. I’m in awe of the fact that people still support me, even when I’m feeling most pathetic and unimpressive. I have been such awful, depressing company through everything, but they still choose to be patient and kind towards me. I’m blown away by that.
I’m also learning to be genuinely grateful for what I’ve already been granted, realizing that circumstances could’ve easily prevented each and every one of those successes. No, I’m not entitled to everything I strive towards. Sure that’s scary, but it’s only truly disturbing to someone who’s pride is larger than it’s worth and who believes she have control over all circumstances.
My pride is certainly being checked and this is a life lesson that has been overdue for me.
It’s been so humbling.
So regardless of whether or not I’m successful this time, at least it won’t crush me to find out.
What I strive towards doesn’t and shouldn’t define me.
I am ready to accept and embrace the outcomes with gratitude.
_____________________
I digress.
Ahem. So despite learning that I’m not entitled to everything, I do feel like I’m entitled to cerrrrtain things!
Like escaping away to a slice of paradise with my favourite boy.
Starting tomorrow, I’ll be sketching daily in Puerto Vallarta but will
not post any Daily Doodles until I return on June 2nd.
